Okay, if there is actually anyone reading these things, this is something that is going to sound really, really selfish. I'm not proud of this, but it's been on my mind, and I'm feeling out of sorts because of it.
I pride myself on being a very independent woman. I like that I supported myself and my two girls after my divorce, and I like knowing that I could do it again if I had to. I stress to my two daughters that they need to have an education because they need to be able to support themselves without anyone's help. It's important to me for a number of reasons, but it also makes me feel like I am not trapped. If I wanted to leave my marriage, I could. I don't have to stay married because I don't have any other choices. I don't want to leave, but if I did want to, I could.
With that said, I don't want to leave my marriage. I actually think we're a good fit, and I am, generally, pretty okay with the way things are going. But since Wayne has been diagnosed with cancer, I feel really, really trapped. Again, it's not that I want to leave or plan to leave, but it's that now I can't. It's kind of like my job. I like my job a lot. I'm not planning to change my jobs, and there's a very good chance that I'll be at my job until I retire. I am happy there, and I'm not anticipating changing anything. BUT, what if someone said, "You can never leave your job." Suddenly, I'd be thinking about leaving or changing positions even if I wasn't before. I don't want someone to tell me that I can't ever do something else.
And that's how I feel about the cancer. It's like being told I can never leave, because what kind of a horrible person leaves when their spouse has cancer? I know it's selfish. I know it's wrong. I know...I know...I know...but I still feel trapped in a situation that I can't escape.
I struggle with this thought.
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