One of the things I hate the most about my husband having cancer is how guilty I feel. Today, he was supposed to go over to the hospital to get IV fluids because he's been dehydrated, and his oncologist made arrangements yesterday for him to go twice during the weekend. He left the house around 2 this afternoon, but the hospital was confused and couldn't find the orders. After 2 hours, they finally figured out why he was there, and then it took numerous sticks before they got the fluids started. It was supposed to take about 2 hours, but they want to slow the pace, so it will take 5 hours instead. All in all, he'll be gone for about 9 hours total.
So, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not going with him to hold his hand. I feel guilty for wishing my day off from work could have been used for something fun. I feel guilty for taking my daughter out for a late lunch because he can't eat anything but soft or liquids, and I had a coupon for Outback.
And I feel so guilty for resenting the fact that he got cancer.
For my record, he's not a smoker, and he never was. It's kind of funny how every doctor we see says, "Oh, you're a heavy smoker, huh?" And every one of them seems really surprised that he's not. He's not a part of any of the usual throat cancer risk groups. Obviously, I don't think that smokers somehow "deserve" to get cancer, but at least if he was a smoker, it would make a little more sense. But it doesn't make sense. He didn't ask for it, and he didn't do anything to cause his cancer, but I still resent that he got it, and so I feel incredibly guilty.
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