I wonder what they're thinking...

Since we found out that my husband, Wayne, has throat cancer, many, many people have been offering their prayers and support.  For this, I am very grateful.  And then I have also found out about a number of relatives of friends or acquaintances who "had the same thing," but they died.  I'm not entirely certain what friends are thinking about when they shared these little tidbits of information with me:

"Oh, my uncle had three rounds of chemo before they did surgery and cut off half of his face, and he died anyway."

"Yeah, throat cancer is rough.  My cousin had it, and he couldn't talk at all for six months before he died."

I'm not at all sure how to respond to such things.  Usually, I just nod and try to not look horrified, because I really do not think they were trying to freak me out, even if that was the actual result. 

Wayne and I were married in October of 2000.  It's a second marriage for both of us.  This year will be thirteen years, and I have to keep telling myself that he's not going to die, and I'm not going to be a widow at 43.  In a few months, our (my) youngest daughter will be leaving for college, and we were both looking forward to and dreading an empty nest.  Over the last year, we've had little nibbles of the life phase after children and it's both scary and exciting.  But what if I'm alone?

My general outlook of life is usually very optimistic.  My husband calls me a Pollyanna.  If there's even a glimmer of a silver lining, I'll usually find it.  I managed to stay very positive during the first round of chemo-radiation treatment even as my husband looked more and more like he'd fallen asleep on a Florida beach in July for about 12 days and charbroiled his face, but I will say that this round has knocked my inner Polly for a loop.  She's having a much harder time maintaining her optimism in the face of violent hacking coughs, no appetite, more weight loss, and frightening side effects. 

So it's even more of a jab when someone says, "Oh, my aunt died from that," because inner Polly is already taking a beating.  Some days, it's all she can do to smile and nod and thank them for their thoughts and prayers.  Because she really wants to kick them in the shin.