Okay, I admit it. I'm grossed out. I'm a horrible person, I know. Right now, I just want to grimace and cringe, and I feel a little nauseated. My husband just texted me to tell me that his fingernails are coming loose. I knew that this was a possibility because it was one of the "side effects" we were told about, and then about two weeks ago, they started turning purple, and the PA at the oncologist's office did say it looked like they would probably fall off. BUT I was really hoping they wouldn't. I was okay with his hair falling out. I was okay with his skin peeling off in huge sheets. I was okay with the blisters in his mouth. The fingernails coming loose has definitely got me all ickified.
I owe him though. A few years ago, I got very sick, and I had to have a drain put in my side to take care of an abcess, and he was so good about helping with changing the bandages and keeping it clean, and if he was grossed out by it, he never showed it. I'm afraid I won't be able to do the same when I see his hands this afternoon.
Damn. I hate chemo.
Showing posts with label chemo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chemo. Show all posts
Monday, April 8, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
And here we go again...
Wayne restarted chemo today. This is still round two, which has been going on since January, but it's been stopped twice because of his really horrible reactions to the drugs. Originally, the oncologist said 12 to 18 weeks for this round, but yesterday Wayne was told that they'd do another five weeks (which would make 12 weeks of actual chemo) and then do another PET scan, and then, to quote the doctor, "Go from there." What a really horrible statement! Go from there? Go from there? I really wish he'd said, "And then we'll be done." That would be better. I'm sick of chemo.
I'm fretting more than usual right this minute because I just read about Roger Ebert's passing. I'd read the article THIS morning about how he had to take some time off to fight his cancer battle again, and this afternoon he's dead. MSN said that Ebert wrote in 2010 that he did not fear death because he didn't believe there was anything "on the other side of death to fear." I do agree with him. "I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state," he wrote. I like the idea of that.
I'm fretting more than usual right this minute because I just read about Roger Ebert's passing. I'd read the article THIS morning about how he had to take some time off to fight his cancer battle again, and this afternoon he's dead. MSN said that Ebert wrote in 2010 that he did not fear death because he didn't believe there was anything "on the other side of death to fear." I do agree with him. "I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state," he wrote. I like the idea of that.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Sunday morning...
This has actually been a good weekend. I know it's because Wayne hasn't had his chemo treatments in two weeks, so that's hanging over our heads, but it's nice to see him feeling so good again. He's been able to eat and is not running to the bathroom every ten minutes. He only took one long nap yesterday instead of being completely exhausted all day. It's been nice. Really nice. I'm trying not to think about microscopic cancer cells floating around his body and laughing, "Hahaha...you took two weeks off from chemo and that's all the time we needed to find a nice spot to set up a new camp!"
How long do they need? I think about this a lot. Throat cancer is not usually caught in the early stages because we all tend to dismiss the symptoms as something else. I know we did. All last winter, I remember him complaining of a scratchy throat or thinking he was coming down with a cold or maybe his allergies were acting up. It wasn't every day. Just once in a while, but looking back, it was a little too often. I remember each time thinking, "Oh crap. If he's sick, I'm gonna get sick too." But I didn't. He didn't really get sick either. He would just think he was coming down with something for a few days and then it would go away. Then in April the lymph nodes in his neck swelled up. We dismissed this too, until it didn't go away for a month. In May, he went to his regular doctor and got some antibiotics for an "infection." By June, the lymph nodes stayed swollen, so the doctor sent him to an ENT for another round of stronger antibiotics. There was no change, so a needle biopsy was done the day before we left for our cruise. The doctor wasn't concerned and suggested we go enjoy ourselves. I'm so glad we did, because it was nice to have that last vacation before facing the "C-word." The needle biopsy came back clear though, so the ENT wanted to do a surgical biopsy. This was July. The biopsy showed squamous cell carcinoma. A PET scan confirmed that it was stage 3.
I think about this often. Should we have done something sooner? Could we have? How many scratchy throats have I had in my lifetime that were just a cold or mouth breathing or "somethin' bloomin'"? How do we know when to dismiss something as nothing or take it seriously?
Too much to ponder on a Sunday morning...
How long do they need? I think about this a lot. Throat cancer is not usually caught in the early stages because we all tend to dismiss the symptoms as something else. I know we did. All last winter, I remember him complaining of a scratchy throat or thinking he was coming down with a cold or maybe his allergies were acting up. It wasn't every day. Just once in a while, but looking back, it was a little too often. I remember each time thinking, "Oh crap. If he's sick, I'm gonna get sick too." But I didn't. He didn't really get sick either. He would just think he was coming down with something for a few days and then it would go away. Then in April the lymph nodes in his neck swelled up. We dismissed this too, until it didn't go away for a month. In May, he went to his regular doctor and got some antibiotics for an "infection." By June, the lymph nodes stayed swollen, so the doctor sent him to an ENT for another round of stronger antibiotics. There was no change, so a needle biopsy was done the day before we left for our cruise. The doctor wasn't concerned and suggested we go enjoy ourselves. I'm so glad we did, because it was nice to have that last vacation before facing the "C-word." The needle biopsy came back clear though, so the ENT wanted to do a surgical biopsy. This was July. The biopsy showed squamous cell carcinoma. A PET scan confirmed that it was stage 3.
I think about this often. Should we have done something sooner? Could we have? How many scratchy throats have I had in my lifetime that were just a cold or mouth breathing or "somethin' bloomin'"? How do we know when to dismiss something as nothing or take it seriously?
Too much to ponder on a Sunday morning...
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Saturday Morning...
It's 10:30 on Saturday morning, and I'm letting my husband, Wayne, sleep in late. A few weeks ago, we would have been up pretty early and maybe heading out to Disney World or to my daughter's color guard competition, but that's not how it is today. My husband is on week three of his second round of chemotherapy for stage 3 throat cancer, and he's having a hell of a time.
Just three weeks ago, he was feeling strong and healthy since mostly recovering from chemo round one combined with radiation, but now after just two treatments, he looks and feels miserable. It's been such a rapid down slide this time that I wonder if people can die from the cure before the disease! He went to his oncologist this past Thursday, and they didn't even do the real drugs because his side effects are hitting him so hard. On the one hand, it's nice that he'll get a break from the chemo induced intestinal distress this weekend, but it also means that treatment will be added on to the tail end, and I wonder what he'll be like in another 15 (now 16) weeks...
I'm not sure what made me start this today, but I'm feeling so angry and sad and lost when I want to be optimistic and strong, and I figured putting my thoughts down might help me cope with this new life that I didn't plan on or want. I don't anticipate what I share will appeal to the masses, but if someone else who's "the spouse" happens to stumble upon this and know they are not alone, well, that would be reason enough.
He's up now.
Just three weeks ago, he was feeling strong and healthy since mostly recovering from chemo round one combined with radiation, but now after just two treatments, he looks and feels miserable. It's been such a rapid down slide this time that I wonder if people can die from the cure before the disease! He went to his oncologist this past Thursday, and they didn't even do the real drugs because his side effects are hitting him so hard. On the one hand, it's nice that he'll get a break from the chemo induced intestinal distress this weekend, but it also means that treatment will be added on to the tail end, and I wonder what he'll be like in another 15 (now 16) weeks...
I'm not sure what made me start this today, but I'm feeling so angry and sad and lost when I want to be optimistic and strong, and I figured putting my thoughts down might help me cope with this new life that I didn't plan on or want. I don't anticipate what I share will appeal to the masses, but if someone else who's "the spouse" happens to stumble upon this and know they are not alone, well, that would be reason enough.
He's up now.
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