Insomnia

For the last year and a half, I've been battling insomnia.  My doctor tells me to relax.  Everyone else says to just stop worrying.  Yeah.  Just stop.  Why didn't I think of that?  Since the last PET scan, I've been doing better.  With the help of some medication, I have started sleeping again.  Each week was getting a little easier, and I wasn't feeling so morbid and waiting for Wayne to die. 

Until this week.  This morning, Wayne is at the cancer center to get his first six-month follow-up PET scan, and for the last week, I've been awake.  I know I must be sleeping at least a few hours a night, but it feels like I'm just laying awake or rolling around or listening to him breathe.  All.  Night.  Long.  And my brain is alive with worries.   During the day, I pay attention to every time he clears his throat or coughs.  Is it back?  Is this irritation from the radiation, or is it something more ominous?

Waiting for the other shoe...

I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, and I feel really odd for even feeling it.  So about three weeks ago, Wayne got the wonderful news that his PET scan is clear of cancer.  This is very good news, and you'd think I'd been feeling very optimistic.  My usual disposition is very optimistic, so anyone would think I'd easily revert back to it. 

But for some reason, I'm finding it really hard to believe that he truly is cancer free.  There's some part of me that feels very worried that as soon as I let down my guard, the cancer is going to sneak up on us again.  I'm afraid to believe that it's really gone.  I didn't really realize it before, I did put some distance between us in preparation for him possibly dying.  I'm not proud of it, but I know that I did.  So now that he's not in danger of dying soon, I'm finding it difficult to let myself get close again.  I really feel that as soon as I let myself get sucked in to believing he's not going to die, he's going to get sick again, and I'm going to get a hard kick in the head. 

Just when you think it's over...

Isn't it ironic...

I'm happy to report that my husband is NOT dead, but not because he didn't try.  Yesterday afternoon, he was feeling pretty good, so he decided to do some spring cleaning of our pool area.  He hasn't been up to a lot of stuff, so it was looking pretty rough.  The first item on the agenda was to blow the leaves off of the top of the pool cage.  So, using the electric leaf blower, he started...and then managed to fall backwards into the pool while still holding the ELECTRIC leaf blower.  Thankfully, when our house was built, they must have used a good electrician, because our GFCI outlet did what it was supposed to do, and he was not electrocuted.  Because he did live through this ordeal, it's somewhat funny.  If he hadn't though, I can't help but think about the irony of my husband dying by electrocution just three days after having been given the all clear for his cancer.  I'm sure it would have made the paper.   Headline: "Man dies of electrocution after being cured of cancer." 

Of course, he was pretty mad at me for not running out there immediately.  He said, "Didn't you hear me yelling out there??"  I was like, "I heard you swearing, but that's not so unusual that it raised concern."  He just grumbled while he dripped off.

And the good news is...

We got the results of the PET scan yesterday, and, according to Wayne's oncologist, "It looks good."  He is not showing any abnormal cell activity at this time, so for now, we're done with chemo and radiation and blood tests.  He'll need to be monitored regularly, and he won't be considered "cured" until he's been cancer free for 5 years, but it's a start.  It feels really good to be looking at summer vacation without the "C" word hanging over us.

Feeling morbid...

Tomorrow we find out the results of Thursday's PET scan.  My brain is thinking really miserable, morbid thoughts, and I can't make it stop.  I want to be positive; I really do.  But my brain keeps wondering what will happen if the PET scan shows more cancer.  What will he have to do next?  Can we do more chemo?  How much chemo can a person stand before the treatment kills them?  What if he has to go on disability?  What if the doctor gives us a time frame for how much longer he has?  What would I do without him?  How will I afford to live?  Would I sell the house?  Could I sell the house?  Should I get a condo instead?  How would I possibly get the house ready to sell?  The experts say to not make any decisions for at least a year after a spouse dies, but what if I can't make the mortgage payments?  Who will mow the lawn?  Who will remember to change the oil in the car? 

Shut up, Brain.  Just shut up.

Field Trip...

The two of us chaperoned a field trip last night to Universal Studios in Orlando.  We took 148 8th graders over there for their graduation trip.  We left at 1:45 in the afternoon, and we pulled into our driveway at 3:21 am. 

Last year, I went by myself.  Wayne was supposed to go too, but then he got a music gig at the last minute, so he had to cancel.  It's an awesome trip, and Universal really makes it worthwhile to be a chaperone.  They have free Chaperone Lounges with snacks and drinks.  They give each chaperone a fast pass wristband, so we got to skip to the front of the lines.  Last year, I hung out with some teacher friends, and we booked around the park going on every ride at least once and hardly sitting down at all.  With Wayne last night, we took it easy.  We went on several rides, but we enjoyed taking it slow.  We rested often.  I was worried that he might have to cancel this year because of not feeling well enough, but I think he did pretty good.  He started to feel pretty beat by the end (so did I!), but it was great to be out there doing something out of the usual. 

It was also good for us, I think.  I know we weren't alone by any stretch of the imagination, but just spending some time together to do something fun was really welcome.  I miss him, and I miss doing "stuff."  I'm really hoping that with the end of chemo now, he'll start feeling better soon and want to do more things over the weekends.  I'm not blaming him, and I don't feel intentionally slighted, but it it was hard to go many places on our days off when he was feeling sick after his Thursday chemo sessions.  Here's to more busy weekends on the horizon!

PET scan...

So this morning was Wayne's PET scan.  We have an appointment on Monday to find out what's going on.  I'm feeling very anxious about the results.  I want so much to feel positive that all of the treatments for the last 9 months have worked, and he'll get a scan that is clear of any cancer cells.  I want to believe that.  One part of my brain keeps telling me to think positively.  Positive thoughts bring positive results, right?  Then the other part of my brain is scared and fearful that it will not be clear.  I don't want these negative thoughts floating around my house and wreaking havoc on his cells.   I want them gone!  Go away negative thoughts...go away.