I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, and I feel really odd for even feeling it. So about three weeks ago, Wayne got the wonderful news that his PET scan is clear of cancer. This is very good news, and you'd think I'd been feeling very optimistic. My usual disposition is very optimistic, so anyone would think I'd easily revert back to it.
But for some reason, I'm finding it really hard to believe that he truly is cancer free. There's some part of me that feels very worried that as soon as I let down my guard, the cancer is going to sneak up on us again. I'm afraid to believe that it's really gone. I didn't really realize it before, I did put some distance between us in preparation for him possibly dying. I'm not proud of it, but I know that I did. So now that he's not in danger of dying soon, I'm finding it difficult to let myself get close again. I really feel that as soon as I let myself get sucked in to believing he's not going to die, he's going to get sick again, and I'm going to get a hard kick in the head.
Just when you think it's over...
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